0119: And More Loss

[livingmyths]

Mat's gone.

He went out for a ride and didn't come back and didn't contact me or anything, so I went to the Hall and he's really, really gone. I guess the horse went with him because she didn't come back either.

I... I don't know what to do. All my house is memories of Mat and Tony. Part of me wants to go away and leave it and never come back again and another part wants never to leave it even for a minute because maybe there they'll stay more real.

Who will hold me when I sleep at night and make me feel safe and tell me I'm special? I loved Mat so very very much, more than I ever dared tell him.

I feel... I feel very small and lost.

Comments

[lady-wandering.livejournal.com]

We worry because we care about you - it's a good thing, Rain.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I want him back, 'Mana, more than I ever wanted anything before.

I want him to ride up and put his arms around me and tell me I'm his fairy princess and hold me while I sleep and make love to me and he won't. Not ever again.

[lady-wandering.livejournal.com]

I know, as much as I'd like Tony to return, but I don't think that's likely. Unless the Deities pull them back.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, 'Mana. I shouldn't even be saying anything to you, because you're already too sad.

[lady-wandering.livejournal.com]

But if there's anyone who can understand how you feel, it's me, is it not? As much as I miss him, I know he didn't mean to leave me, us, like that. And he wouldn't want either of us to suffer over it.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I guess.

No, he wouldn't.

And Mat wouldn't want me to be sad.

But I can't stop.

[lady-wandering.livejournal.com]

Neither can I, Rain, neither can I.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, 'Mana.

[lady-wandering.livejournal.com]

Nothing to be sorry for, dear.

I'll leave you to your space, but please come by if you need to.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

Okay. And you can come here if you want to.

[lady-wandering.livejournal.com]

I will.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

Okay. Maybe if you're in the house he made, you'll feel closer to him.