0119: And More Loss

[livingmyths]

Mat's gone.

He went out for a ride and didn't come back and didn't contact me or anything, so I went to the Hall and he's really, really gone. I guess the horse went with him because she didn't come back either.

I... I don't know what to do. All my house is memories of Mat and Tony. Part of me wants to go away and leave it and never come back again and another part wants never to leave it even for a minute because maybe there they'll stay more real.

Who will hold me when I sleep at night and make me feel safe and tell me I'm special? I loved Mat so very very much, more than I ever dared tell him.

I feel... I feel very small and lost.

Comments

[prodigalvampire]

I'm sorry, Rain.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I miss them, Thomas. It hurts.

[prodigalvampire]

I wish I could help in some way.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I don't know what anyone can do.

But thank you.

[prodigalvampire]

It'll get easier.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I never cared about anyone the way I did them. I never had anyone who cared about me the way they did.

I don't think I ever will again.

[prodigalvampire]

Sure you will, Rain. Nothing lasts forever, you just do the best with the time you're given.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I don't think I want to. It was easier when no one cared.

[lady-wandering.livejournal.com]

Oh, Rain...

I know you don't like the indoors, but you're always welcome with me. Or perhaps I can come stay with you for a few days?

You're not alone. You still have me, and Thomas, and the people you work with at the Library. You still have Drop and Gage.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I don't know where I want to be, 'Mana.

I told Drop to stay in the house. He makes me cry. Gage just follows me around and worries and I feel bad for him.

[lady-wandering.livejournal.com]

He's not the only one worried about you.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I know. You and Thomas are too.

I'm sorry. I don't want to worry anyone.

[lady-wandering.livejournal.com]

We worry because we care about you - it's a good thing, Rain.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I want him back, 'Mana, more than I ever wanted anything before.

I want him to ride up and put his arms around me and tell me I'm his fairy princess and hold me while I sleep and make love to me and he won't. Not ever again.

[lady-wandering.livejournal.com]

I know, as much as I'd like Tony to return, but I don't think that's likely. Unless the Deities pull them back.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, 'Mana. I shouldn't even be saying anything to you, because you're already too sad.

[itsnoteveryday.livejournal.com]

Awww, mate, I'm sorry, that's... that's rough.

D'you need me to bring you anythin'? Movie? Ice Cream?

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I don't know, Connor. I'm just so sad.

[itsnoteveryday.livejournal.com]

Maybe you could, I dunno, do somethin' that cheers you up? What do you do for fun - b'sides bringing blankets to guys without clothes.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I go out to the river or I dance under the moon.

[itsnoteveryday.livejournal.com]

That's really sexy that sounds like fun. Jus' go out and dance.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

I don't really feel like dancing today. I'm sorry.

[itsnoteveryday.livejournal.com]

Well, y'know, that's okay, too. You sure there's nothin' I can do for you? You're too pretty to be this sad.

[barnabasdog.livejournal.com]

[voice post]

Hey, I'm still here.

[livingmyths.livejournal.com]

Hi, Barnabas. You're a good friend.