livingmyths: (Sad)
livingmyths ([personal profile] livingmyths) wrote2009-12-06 01:16 pm

0119: And More Loss

Mat's gone.

He went out for a ride and didn't come back and didn't contact me or anything, so I went to the Hall and he's really, really gone. I guess the horse went with him because she didn't come back either.

I... I don't know what to do. All my house is memories of Mat and Tony. Part of me wants to go away and leave it and never come back again and another part wants never to leave it even for a minute because maybe there they'll stay more real.

Who will hold me when I sleep at night and make me feel safe and tell me I'm special? I loved Mat so very very much, more than I ever dared tell him.

I feel... I feel very small and lost.
prodigalvampire: (oh really?)

[personal profile] prodigalvampire 2009-12-06 11:01 pm (UTC)(link)
Sure you will, Rain. Nothing lasts forever, you just do the best with the time you're given.

[identity profile] livingmyths.livejournal.com 2009-12-06 11:04 pm (UTC)(link)
I don't think I want to. It was easier when no one cared.
prodigalvampire: (Neutral)

[personal profile] prodigalvampire 2009-12-06 11:06 pm (UTC)(link)
Seems like all my friends are singing that song lately.

[identity profile] livingmyths.livejournal.com 2009-12-06 11:13 pm (UTC)(link)
I don't feel much like singing anything.

I don't know how I'll sleep in my bed anymore knowing Mat won't ever be there to hold me again.
prodigalvampire: (Default)

[personal profile] prodigalvampire 2009-12-07 01:12 am (UTC)(link)
I'm sorry, Rain.

[identity profile] livingmyths.livejournal.com 2009-12-07 01:13 am (UTC)(link)
I know. I'm sorry I'm being so worrying.
prodigalvampire: (oh really?)

[personal profile] prodigalvampire 2009-12-07 01:16 am (UTC)(link)
It's okay. You're hurting. I get that.

[identity profile] livingmyths.livejournal.com 2009-12-07 01:20 am (UTC)(link)
I am. So much. More even than when one of the little ones would die because I couldn't help them enough.

Is that bad? That I hurt so much more over someone who's not dead and who's probably happier now? I think maybe it is.
prodigalvampire: (Pouty Face)

[personal profile] prodigalvampire 2009-12-07 01:22 am (UTC)(link)
...No. I understand.

I understand a lot more than you think.

[identity profile] livingmyths.livejournal.com 2009-12-07 01:44 am (UTC)(link)
I'm sure you do. You always understand a lot.